


It's Time to Be

by Corey5268



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Gen, Mikasa Ackerman-centric, Past Relationship(s), Self-Discovery, the first step is always the hardest, this is the first step to find herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 05:26:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2179599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corey5268/pseuds/Corey5268
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first step away is always the hardest, but sometimes you just have to do things for your own sake.  Like washing out a scrape, sometimes you need it to hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Time to Be

Thankfully, the glass of the window was cool against my overheated cheeks.  The sound of rain softly falling onto the pavement of the runway was the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely.  As one of the first ones on such an early flight, I hoped that nobody would sit next to me.  The seats weren’t assigned, and hopefully nobody would want to sit next to the girl with red eyes and tear tracks down her cheeks.  Maybe my breakdown would have some sort of advantage.  I pulled my knees to my chest, and wrapped my arms around my legs so they would stay on the edge of the tiny space that I had rented for the next few hours.  I craned my neck a little to see my watch.  6:13 in the morning.  Half an hour until takeoff, and about 45 minutes until Eren’s alarm went off to wake him for work.  He had always been a heavy sleeper.  He didn’t even twitch when I brushed his hair off his face and kissed his forehead before I left this morning.  I almost wished he had.

I had about 50 minutes before Eren dragged himself out of bed to turn his alarm clock off for good, and then dragged himself into the shower with a yawn.  He would stand in front of the shower, and stare at it with bleary eyes.  He would just stand and watch the water for about three minutes until, in his groggy state, he remembered that he actually had to get in it to get clean.  I had a little over an hour before Eren walked into the kitchen of our small apartment in his boxer shorts with a towel slung around his shoulders. He would pause near our little circular table, and think for a minute.  Eggs or cereal.  The big question of the morning, and one he could barely process first thing after waking up.  If he chose cereal, he’d find my note right away.  It had taken me over a week to write.  I just couldn’t get the words out of my head and onto the paper.

 

_Dear Eren,_

__

_You probably haven’t noticed that I’m not in the apartment yet.  I’m not going to tell you where I am, only that I’m not coming back for a while.  I love you more than anything, and I’ve realized that’s why I have to leave.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  Every move I’ve made in my life has been to protect you.  Ever since we were children, I’ve guarded you from unhappiness.  I haven’t done a perfect job, but I’ve done what I could.  Lately I’ve realized that I’ve never done anything for myself.  Everything from my major in college to what side of the city we live on was picked with you in mind.  Don’t misunderstand me.  I don’t regret anything.  However, I’ve realized that I lost something of myself along the way.  I don’t really remember who I am without you. We met when we were nine, and there isn’t a second of our time that I wish I could have changed.  I just need to find out who I am on my own.  Learn how to stand on my own two feet without us leaning on each other.  I can’t let you be every aspect of who I am.  So I need some time.  I don’t know how long.  I can’t see you until I’m ready, but I’ll be in touch.  Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  That’s why I left while you were asleep.  I wouldn’t have been able to make myself get on the plane if I had looked you in the eyes._

_Please don’t think any of this is your fault.  My own decisions brought me to where I am now.  I know you’ll try to blame yourself, and that’s the last thing that I want.  I did this for both of us.  I know you can manage on your own.  I’ve never seen a challenge that you didn’t rise to.  If I don’t leave, you’ll never know how much you can do.  You, Eren.  Without my help. I never really gave you the chance to learn just how strong you are.  Your passion is a force like I’ve never seen.  I know that I got swept away in it.  I never wanted anything to damage that aspect of you in any way.  Maybe that’s why I’ve done so much to try to shelter you.  It’s time for me to do that for myself.  I need to learn how to make decisions for myself, and myself alone.  I need to learn how to use my strength for myself.  I’ll let you know when I’m ready to see you or even come back.  Until then, this is goodbye.  I’m going to miss you more than anything, Eren.  Don’t forget that.  I’ll text you when I land.  I don’t think I’ll be able to speak, so please don’t be offended if you call and I don’t answer.  Take care of yourself._

 

_I love you,_

_Mikasa._

 

I knew I had about thirty seconds after he finished reading the note to start calling.  I had already turned my phone off.  If I heard his voice, I’d be off the plane before I could even consider what I was doing.  Eren had always been my soft spot, and I’d do anything for him.  Always had, always will.  Except for staying.  I’m leaving for him...but more importantly, for the first time, I’m leaving mostly for myself.

As I had hoped, nobody had sat down next to me.  There were enough empty seats elsewhere.  I felt the plane move towards the runway, and desperately wished to be in the air already so that I could take off my seatbelt and curl on my side in my empty row.  All I could do was hug my pillow as the raindrops appeared to move faster and faster as the plane picked up speed.  When the wheels left the ground and we lifted into the air, I couldn’t tell if the lurch in my stomach was because of the movement, or because of everything I was leaving behind.  Eren and I hadn’t been separated since the time in the sixth grade where I managed to take a detention for him and spend recess alone inside.  We climbed higher and higher into the sky, and I tried to calm myself down.  Slow, deep breaths. This was something I had to do.  With a sigh, I closed my eyes.

I just hoped that Eren would understand.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the chorus of "Big Girls Don't Cry," which I listened to on repeat while writing this. Mikasa is probably one of the strongest characters in the series, but I really wanted to see her act for herself for once. I feel like she'd have the strength to walk away if she felt like she needed to.


End file.
